At Link to Us Counselling, we understand this unique and often misunderstood type of grief—not only because we support clients through it, but because some of our counsellors have walked this path themselves. We know what it feels like from both sides of the room. This is a grief that isn’t easily explained, but it is deeply felt.
It’s the grief that follows emotional abuse, trauma bonds, and post-separation abuse—a grief that feels confusing, overwhelming, and deeply isolating.
You may find yourself asking:
- Why does it still hurt to lose him—even after everything he did to us?
- I feel shame and anger towards myself for missing someone who abused and betrayed me, what can I do with these feelings?
- How can I still love the person who caused me so much pain?
- What do I continue to hold to the honeymoon memories and chose to not remember in the same way the violence and horrific acts?
- Why do I romanise and even excuse our story?
If these questions weigh on your heart, keep reading and know that:
You are not broken. Your grief is valid. You are not alone.
I Feel Shame and Anger Towards Myself for Missing Someone Who Abused and Betrayed Me. What Can I Do with These Feelings?
First, remind yourself:
Missing someone who harmed you doesn’t mean you wanted the harm.
Shame and anger often show up because you’re judging yourself for being human—for loving, hoping, trusting and attaching. Those feelings are natural responses to trauma and emotional bonds. Instead of fighting those feelings, try meeting them with curiosity:
- What am I really missing—him, or the safety, comfort, love, friendship and connection I hoped he could offer? Am I mourning the loss of the partner and father I needed him to be, but he never was or chose not to be?
- Can I allow myself to feel this grief without self-judgment?
Therapy, journaling, or creative expression can help you process these feelings, not push them away.
How Can I Still Love the Person Who Caused Me So Much Pain?
Because the part of you that loved him is not broken—it’s the part that longs for connection, safety, love and belonging. Emotional abuse doesn’t erase your capacity to love; it distorts it.
You may still love the version of him who showed you kindness or the person – friend, husband and father – you believed he could become. That love was real—but it doesn’t mean you should return or excuse his actions. Love and harm can coexist in confusing ways after abuse.
Why Do I Continue to Hold Onto the “Honeymoon” Memories and Struggle to Remember the Violence and Harm in the Same Way?
This is a common trauma response. Our brains are wired to focus on hope and safety as survival strategies.
In abusive relationships, “honeymoon” phases—when things felt calm, loving, or forgiving—become emotional lifelines. You may cling to those memories because they felt good amidst chaos.
At the same time, your mind may minimise or numb out the traumatic memories as a way to protect you from emotional overwhelm.
This doesn’t mean you’re excusing the abuse—it means your brain is trying to survive the unthinkable.
Why Do I Romanticise or Even Excuse Our Story?
Romanticising the relationship is often a coping mechanism rooted in trauma bonds, unmet needs, and grief.
Sometimes we excuse or romanticise what happened because:
- We fear admitting how bad it really was.
- We’re afraid to confront what the loss truly means.
- We long for the potential we once believed in, even if it wasn’t real.
- We feel safer seeing the story through a softer lens than facing its full pain.
Romanticising can also be a sign you’re still processing the betrayal and the deep confusion that comes with it. In time, as you heal and gain clarity, the truth tends to become clearer—and gentler to hold.
💛 Gentle Reminder:
Grief after abuse is complex, and none of these reactions make you weak or foolish.
They reveal your deep capacity to love, hope, trust and survive.
If you’re carrying these questions, you’re not alone. They’re common among survivors of emotional abuse, trauma bonds, and post-separation abuse.
Healing takes time—and support.
Why Does Emotional Abuse Lead to Such Deep, Complex Grief?
Emotional abuse doesn’t just harm your self-esteem—it can entangle you in a trauma bond.
A trauma bond forms when the person who hurts you also intermittently shows love, comfort, or apology. This creates a confusing cycle of:
- Hope and despair
- Affection and fear
- Love and pain
You may have clung to moments of kindness or apology, hoping things would change. That hope often keeps people in harmful relationships far longer than they want to admit.
Even after leaving, the emotional tie can feel unbearably strong. Grieving the loss of that person also means grieving:
- The version of them you hoped they would become
- The future you dreamed of
- The version of yourself that existed before the abuse
- The loss of a father your children deserve – the one you once hoped and believed he could be
When the Abuse Continues After You Leave: Understanding Post-Separation Abuse
Many survivors believe that once they leave, the nightmare will end—but sadly, that’s not always the case.
Post-separation abuse refers to the continued use of control and abuse tactics even after a relationship has ended. This type of abuse can take many forms, including:
- Financial abuse: Withholding or hiding money & assets, refusing to pay child support, change of employment circumstances – specially self-employed people – refusing to pay school fees or extracurricular costs, or using money and assets as a weapon to create instability.
- Legal abuse: Involves using the court system as a weapon for continued control. This may include deliberately delaying proceedings, refusing to negotiate fairly, lying, refusing to provide discovery, or dragging out legal matters to cause emotional and financial exhaustion.Many victims face this abuse with little or no access to legal representation. The Legal Aid system—though intended to support vulnerable people—often provides limited help or no representation at all in complex cases like family violence or post-separation abuse.This leaves many victims with no choice but to self-represent against their abuser—an exhausting and deeply traumatic experience. Understandably, most self-represented victims do not have the legal knowledge, emotional capacity, or time required to navigate complex legal systems effectively. The emotional toll of facing their abuser in court—while simultaneously trying to protect themselves and their children—paired with the immense financial burden, can feel overwhelming, isolating, and profoundly disempowering. The consequences of this legal and emotional battle often extend far beyond the courtroom, creating devastating ripple effects that can impact not only the victim’s life but also the wellbeing of their children and future generations.For many, this form of legal abuse leads to devastating consequences—mental health challenges, physical illnesses, housing instability, children’s school refusal, literacy struggles, financial hardship, and entrenched poverty. It’s not simply a legal battle; it becomes a battle for survival on every level—emotional, physical, financial, and generational.
- Emotional manipulation or gaslighting: Twisting facts, denying previous abuse, or shifting blame to keep you confused, guilty, or emotionally destabilised.
- Stalking, threats, or intimidation: Ongoing monitoring, threatening behaviour, or harassment designed to create fear and limit your freedom.
- Service-related abuse: This form of abuse involves misusing systems such as police, Child Support, or Centrelink to exert control—through false reports, withholding vital information, or manipulating services to target and discredit you. In some cases, this can even result in ADVOs or criminal charges being wrongly filed against the primary victim. Sadly, many authorities struggle to identify the primary victim in these complex cases, allowing abusers to continue their cycle of harm through official channels.
Post-separation abuse can feel relentless, making it difficult to find closure or stability. It’s important to recognise that these behaviours are not accidental—they are deliberate tactics meant to maintain control and power.
This ongoing abuse can leave you exhausted, fearful, and trapped in a seemingly endless cycle of stress and instability.
It can also prolong grief—making it harder to heal and move forward.
Why You May Still Love or Miss the Person Who Harmed You
You’re not just grieving them—you’re grieving:
- The love you gave freely but didn’t receive back safely
- The life and family you wanted to build and dreamed of
- The hope that things could have been different
- The parts of yourself that were lost in the relationship
It’s common to feel angry at yourself for still caring. It’s also common to feel guilt or shame for missing them.
But here’s the truth:
Your ability to love, trust and hope was never the problem.
Their choice to harm you and your children was.
How to Begin Healing from Emotional Abuse, Trauma Bonds, and Post-Separation Grief
At Link to Us Counselling, we guide people through this tangled grief every day. Healing isn’t linear—but these steps may help:
1. Honour Your Grief—Without Shame
Allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, longing, or even love for the person who hurt you.
Feelings don’t make you weak—they make you human.
2. Recognise the Trauma Bond
Understand that your nervous system may still be attached to the abuser due to cycles of fear and affection.
This doesn’t mean you want to return—it simply means your body is still processing.
3. Separate Fantasy from Reality
Often, we mourn the dream of who we hoped they’d become, not the person they truly were.
Naming this truth can create space for clarity and healing.
4. Use Creative, Arts-Based and Somatic Practices
Arts-Based, writing, journaling, colouring, mindfulness, breath work, yoga, pilates, dance, and nature-based practices can help release emotions when words fall short.
Trauma is stored in the body—healing must involve the body too.
5. Focus on Self-Compassion, Not Self-Blame
You loved deeply. You trusted. You hoped.
These are not flaws—they are beautiful qualities to be nurtured and celebrated as you heal.
Moving Beyond Survival: Reclaiming Yourself After Abuse
Healing after emotional abuse isn’t just about surviving—it’s about reclaiming:
- Your voice
- Your joy
- Your personal power
- Your right to peace and safety
At Link to Us Counselling, we are here to remind you:
It’s okay to grieve—even if others don’t understand your grief. We do. You are not alone.
Your healing doesn’t need to be rushed.
And you don’t have to carry these wounds alone.
Need Support? We’re Here to Help
If you’re navigating emotional abuse, trauma bonds, post-separation abuse, or grief, Link to Us Counselling offers compassionate, trauma-informed counselling for women, children, and young people.
We create safe, welcoming spaces for healing—through talking, art, creative therapies, and body-based practices.
🌱 Your story matters. Your grief is real. And your healing is possible.
Please Note: Link to Us Counselling is not a 24/7 crisis service. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, please contact:
- 1800RESPECT (24/7 National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service) – 1800 737 732
- Lifeline Australia – 13 11 14
- NSW Domestic Violence Line – 1800 65 64 63
Your safety matters. These services can provide immediate support.
By Lorena Fernandez Collazo
