By Lorena Fernandez Collazo | ACA Level 3 Registered Counsellor | Victims Services NSW Approved Counsellor | Link To Us Counselling & Support Services, Gosford & Tuggerah
Domestic violence counselling often begins long after a family has escaped abuse. One of the most common concerns I hear from parents seeking domestic violence counselling in Gosford and across the Central Coast is how growing up without a father after domestic and family violence affects their children. While leaving a violent home creates safety, children may still experience grief, confusion and questions about their father’s absence.
As a trauma-informed Registered Counsellor, Victims Services NSW Approved Counsellor and SIRA Allied Health Practitioner, I support children, adolescents and families experiencing the ongoing impacts of domestic and family violence, trauma and complex life experiences. Through trauma counselling, child counselling, adolescent counsellingand family counselling, I regularly help families navigate the emotional impact of leaving an abusive relationship.
One of the most common misconceptions I encounter is the belief that because leaving was the right decision, children should simply “be over it” and that once the family is not longer with the perpetrator, the impact of abuse has ended. Research and clinical experience suggest that recovery is far more nuanced.
Domestic Violence Counselling: Why Father Absence Is Different
Not all father absence is the same. A father who is absent because of death, military deployment or an amicable separation creates a very different experience for a child than a father whose absence is necessary because of domestic and family violence or a father that has left, abandon or neglected the children
The Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) has consistently highlighted that children exposed to domestic and family violence experience significant emotional, psychological and developmental impacts, regardless of whether they are directly assaulted or witness the abuse (Australian Institute of Family Studies [AIFS], 2023). Following domestic and family violence, children are often left trying to make sense of experiences that are confusing, frightening and developmentally difficult to understand. They may have unanswered questions about the violence, the separation and the absence of a parent. Age-appropriate, honest conversations and supportive relationships can help children process these experiences and reduce self-blame (Kaspiew et al., 2015).
For many children, a father’s absence following domestic and family violence is not simply about missing a parent. Children may experience grief, confusion, feelings of rejection or abandonment, divided loyalties, fear, guilt, hope and unanswered questions while trying to make sense of both the violence and the changes within their family. These complex emotions can continue long after the father has left.
For some families, the abuse continues after separation. Children may become caught in ongoing patterns of coercive control or post-separation abuse, where they are used to exert pressure on, control or continue harming the protective parent. This can leave children experiencing divided loyalties, emotional conflict and ongoing distress, while disrupting their sense of safety and recovery. Research suggests that ongoing exposure to these experiences may also contribute to difficulties with concentration, learning and school engagement, emotional and behavioural challenges, relationship difficulties, and an increased risk of mental health concerns and substance misuse during adolescence and adulthood. These experiences highlight the importance of trauma-informed support for both the child and the protective parent (Kaspiew et al., 2015; Katz, 2022; Harold & Sellers, 2018).
What the Research Tells Us
Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby, proposes that early relationships shape a child’s sense of safety, security and emotional regulation throughout life (Bowlby, 1988). When a parent-child relationship is disrupted by violence, the effects can extend well beyond childhood.
Research has associated exposure to domestic and family violence and subsequent father absence with a range of possible outcomes, including:
- Attachment difficulties. Children may develop anxious or avoidant attachment patterns, making it more difficult to trust others or feel emotionally safe in future relationships (Bowlby, 1988; Ainsworth et al., 1978).
- Identity and belonging. During adolescence, many young people naturally begin exploring questions of identity and belonging. The absence of a father following violence can complicate this developmental process (Lamb, 2010).
- Anxiety, self-esteem and emotional regulation. Studies have identified increased risks of anxiety, emotional distress, reduced self-esteem and difficulties regulating emotions among some children exposed to family violence and parental separation (Amato, 2005; East et al., 2006).
- Behavioural changes. Some children externalise their distress through anger, aggression or risk-taking behaviours, while others become withdrawn, socially isolated or emotionally shut down (Harold & Sellers, 2018).
Importantly, these outcomes are not inevitable. Children’s long-term wellbeing depends on many factors, including the quality of the relationships and support available after leaving the violent environment.
Research consistently demonstrates that a safe, nurturing and emotionally responsive caregiver is one of the strongest protective factors for children’s recovery and resilience (Masten, 2014). In other words, the presence of a violent father is not protective. The presence of a safe, attuned caregiver is.
The Grief That Doesn’t Look Like Grief
Children who lose contact with a parent because of domestic violence often experience what Pauline Boss describes as ambiguous loss; a form of grief where the person is physically absent but psychologically present (Boss, 1999). Unlike bereavement, there is no funeral, no recognised ending and often no clear permission to grieve.
Children may simultaneously miss their father while also recognising that he was frightening or unsafe. They may remember positive moments alongside traumatic memories. These seemingly contradictory emotions are entirely normal.
Trauma-informed counselling does not ask children to choose between love and fear. Instead, it helps them understand that complex emotions can coexist and that healing does not require denying any part of their experience.
Protective Factors That Promote Recovery
Although domestic and family violence can have profound effects on children, research is equally clear that recovery is possible.
Protective factors include:
- A safe, emotionally available parent or caregiver.
- Consistent routines and predictable environments.
- Secure relationships with trusted adults.
- Opportunities to talk about their experiences in age-appropriate ways.
- Trauma-informed therapeutic support when needed.
- Positive school and community connections (Masten, 2014; Werner & Smith, 2001).
These protective relationships help children rebuild a sense of safety, confidence and resilience following trauma.
Domestic Violence Counselling Helps Children Heal
At Link To Us Counselling & Support Services, we provide child and adolescent counselling in Gosford and Tuggerah for children and young people affected by domestic and family violence, trauma and other adverse life experiences.
Every child responds differently to trauma. Therapy is tailored to each child’s age, developmental stage and unique needs, and may include:
- Play Therapy
- Therapeutic Arts and creative therapies
- CBT and DBT-informed interventions
- Mindfulness and emotional regulation strategies
- Parent support and psychoeducation
- Individual counselling for adolescents experiencing anxiety, trauma, grief, identity concerns and emotional regulation difficulties
Support is also provided to the protective parent because a child’s recovery is closely linked to the wellbeing and emotional availability of their primary caregiver.
As a Victims Services NSW Approved Counsellor, I provide Victims of Crime counselling on the Central Coast for eligible children, young people and families through the NSW Victims Support Scheme. Counselling is also available through NDIS, SIRA (Workers Compensation and CTP claims), selected private health funds and private referrals.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
If your child and/or yourself have experienced domestic or family violence and you are noticing signs of anxiety, withdrawal, emotional outbursts, behavioural changes, sleep difficulties or identity struggles, early support can make a significant difference.
At Link To Us Counselling & Support Services, we provide domestic violence counselling in Gosford, child and adolescent counselling, and trauma-informed therapy for children and young people affected by domestic and family violence, trauma and other adverse life experiences.
Every child’s story is different. With safety, connection and the right support, healing is possible.
To learn more or make an appointment, visit www.linktous.com.au or contact our friendly team.
Domestic Violence Counselling in Gosford and the Central Coast
If you or your child have experienced domestic or family violence, seeking support can be an important step towards recovery. At Link To Us Counselling & Support Services, we provide domestic violence counselling in Gosford, trauma counselling on the Central Coast, and counselling for children, adolescents, adults, couples and families. As a Victims Services NSW Approved Counsellor, SIRA Allied Health Practitioner, and NDIS Registered Provider, I work with clients experiencing the ongoing impacts of trauma in a safe, compassionate and evidence-based environment. Appointments are available face-to-face in Gosford and Tuggerah, as well as via secure telehealth across NSW.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can my child receive counselling after domestic violence?
Yes. Children who have experienced or witnessed domestic and family violence can benefit from trauma-informed counselling, even if the violence occurred months or years ago. Early intervention can help children process their experiences and build healthy coping skills.
Can Victims Services NSW pay for my child’s counselling?
If your child is eligible under the NSW Victims Support Scheme, counselling may be funded through Victims Services NSW. We are an approved Victims Services NSW counselling provider and can discuss eligibility with you.
What are the signs my child may need support?
Some children become anxious, withdrawn or have nightmares. Others become angry, aggressive, struggle at school or show changes in behaviour. Every child responds differently to trauma.
About the Author
Lorena Fernandez Collazo is an ACA Level 3 Registered Counsellor, ANZAED Credentialed Eating Disorder Clinician, Victims Services NSW Approved Counsellor, SIRA Allied Health Practitioner, EAP Clinician, Critical Incident Practitioner, NDIS Registered Provider, and Professional Doctorate Candidate in Therapeutic Arts Practice.
She is the Founder and Director of Link To Us Counselling & Support Services, providing trauma-informed counselling from clinics in Gosford and Tuggerah on the NSW Central Coast, as well as secure online counselling across New South Wales.
Lorena supports children, adolescents, adults, couples and families experiencing domestic and family violence, sexual violence, complex trauma, PTSD, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, ADHD, Autism, grief and loss, relationship difficulties, workplace psychological injury, critical incidents and life transitions. She uses evidence-informed approaches including CBT, DBT, ACT, mindfulness, somatic therapies, play therapy and therapeutic arts.
As a Victims Services NSW Approved Counsellor, Lorena provides Victims of Crime Counselling for eligible victim-survivors through the NSW Victims Support Scheme. She also provides SIRA counselling for people with Workers Compensation and CTP insurance claims, as well as counselling through NDIS, Employee Assistance Programs (EAP), selected private health funds and private referrals.
Lorena provides counselling in both English and Spanish and has a particular interest in supporting individuals recovering from domestic and family violence, trauma, eating disorders and complex mental health presentations. Her work is informed by clinical practice, doctoral research and a commitment to delivering compassionate, evidence-based and trauma-informed care.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Amato, P. R. (2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social and emotional wellbeing of the next generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75–96.
Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2023). Children’s exposure to domestic and family violence.
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
East, L., Jackson, D., & O’Brien, L. (2006). Father absence and adolescent development: A review of the literature. Journal of Child Health Care, 10(4), 283–295.
Harold, G. T., & Sellers, R. (2018). Annual research review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 59(4), 374–402.
Hughes, K., Bellis, M. A., Hardcastle, K. A., Sethi, D., Butchart, A., Mikton, C., Jones, L., & Dunne, M. P. (2017). The effect of multiple adverse childhood experiences on health: A systematic review and meta-analysis. The Lancet Public Health, 2(8), e356–e366.
Kaspiew, R., Carson, R., Dunstan, J., et al. (2015). Evaluation of the 2012 Family Violence Amendments. Australian Institute of Family Studies.
Katz, E. (2022). Coercive Control in Children’s and Mothers’ Lives. Oxford University Press.
Lamb, M. E. (Ed.). (2010). The role of the father in child development (5th ed.). John Wiley & Sons.
Masten, A. S. (2014). Ordinary magic: Resilience in development. Guilford Press.
Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (2001). Journeys from childhood to midlife: Risk, resilience and recovery. Cornell University Press.
