Understanding Domestic Violence, Coercive Control, and Trauma in Relationships

Domestic violence is a pervasive issue that affects individuals across all backgrounds, ages, and walks of life. It’s important to understand that domestic violence is not just about physical abuse; it also involves psychological and emotional manipulation. One of the most harmful, yet often overlooked, forms of abuse is coercive control.

Domestic Violence on the Central Coast: A Growing Concern

The Central Coast of New South Wales continues to grapple with a significant rise in domestic violence-related incidents. In 2023, the region recorded approximately 1,850 domestic violence assaults, well above the state average. This troubling statistic underscores the urgent need for stronger intervention and support systems. Additionally, the region has experienced frequent breaches of Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders (ADVOs), further highlighting the difficulties in safeguarding victims.

A recent and heartbreaking case on the Central Coast has brought further attention to this issue. A young woman tragically lost her life at the hands of a male perpetrator, making her the 23rd woman this year to be killed as a result of domestic violence. This incident has reignited calls for action to address the ongoing domestic violence epidemic and to implement better protection measures for vulnerable individuals in the community.

The lack of comprehensive domestic violence training for police officers, coupled with delays and insufficient urgency in some cases, can exacerbate the situation, leaving victims feeling unsupported and unsafe. A report by the NSW Law Enforcement Conduct Commission found that many officers had inadequate training to handle domestic violence cases, with only 222 out of 470 complaints investigated between 2017 and 2021 .

Furthermore, the legal system often re-victimizes survivors, particularly women and children. Victims are frequently compelled to relive their trauma in lengthy and insensitive legal proceedings, facing skepticism, being told there isn’t enough evidence, treated as nuisances, labeled as aggressive if they voice their concerns after not being heard, or even told to leave. Many victims are humiliated and belittled in the process, and in some cases, they are subjected to a cross-application of an ADVO — where the police, either mistakenly or under pressure, apply for an ADVO against the victim instead of the perpetrator. Breaches of existing Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders (ADVOs) often go uninvestigated or are inadequately addressed. Meanwhile, perpetrators are granted protections and excuses, and the blame and responsibility are placed on the victims, asking them to just leave or to ignore threats. Police often say they encourage victims to report, but when victims try, they face endless excuses as to why it’s not a reportable offence or why an event cannot be created. This leaves zero evidence that the victim attempted to report something they consider a breach.

The failures of the system in taking appropriate action, addressing and adequaltly responding to domestic violence victims only serve to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. When victims are repeatedly ignored, dismissed, or re-victimised by the very institutions meant to protect them, it leads to further emotional harm. This leaves victims feeling scared that the very same system is meant to protect them will punish them, burned out, exhausted, and increasingly discouraged from seeking help and demanding justice and change. The lack of timely and appropriate support reinforces feelings of powerlessness, making it harder for victims to break free from the cycle of abuse.

In this article, we will explore the impact of domestic violence, the dynamics of coercive control, and how trauma from abusive relationships can affect future connections and mental health.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence refers to patterns of behavior used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. This can take many forms, including:

• Physical abuse: Hitting, slapping, choking, or any act of physical harm.

• Emotional or psychological abuse: Constant criticism, humiliation, or belittling.

• Verbal abuse: Insults, name-calling, or threats.

• Sexual abuse: Coercion, manipulation, or forced sexual acts.

• Financial abuse: Controlling access to money or employment, making someone financially dependent.

Domestic violence is not about anger or conflict; it is about power and control. Abusers use fear, manipulation, and isolation to dominate their victims, making it difficult for them to leave or seek help.

Coercive Control: The Silent Abuse

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that focuses on creating a web of control and domination over the victim. It often involves:

• Isolation: Restricting the victim’s social interactions and contact with family and friends.

• Monitoring: Constant surveillance of activities, communications, and whereabouts.

• Degrading behaviors: Continually belittling or undermining the victim’s confidence, identity, and self-worth.

• Threats and intimidation: The use of threats to control behavior, often escalating over time.

Unlike physical violence, coercive control can be harder to identify because it doesn’t always leave visible marks. Yet, the emotional and psychological toll is deep, and it can lead to long-lasting trauma.

Trauma Bonding in Toxic and Unhealthy Relationships

Trauma bonding refers to the deep emotional connection that often forms between a victim and their abuser in situations of prolonged and repeated abuse. This bond can occur in toxic and unhealthy relationships, where cycles of abuse, followed by periods of affection or manipulation, create confusion and dependency in the victim. The victim often experiences intense emotional highs and lows, which can distort their sense of reality and make it difficult for them to break free.

In toxic relationships, the abuser uses a combination of control, manipulation, and emotional or physical violence to maintain power. This can make the victim feel trapped, often leading them to blame themselves for the abuse or believe that the abuser will change. Over time, the victim may become so entangled in the cycle that they struggle to recognize the toxic nature of the relationship or believe that they are somehow responsible for the abuse.

The emotional highs in these relationships — moments of kindness, apologies, or promises of change — often lead the victim to feel loved or cherished. However, these moments are typically short-lived, and the cycle of abuse continues, reinforcing the trauma bond. This bond can be incredibly difficult to break, as the victim feels a deep psychological attachment to their abuser, even though they may recognize that the relationship is harmful.

Toxic and unhealthy relationships often leave victims with long-lasting emotional and psychological scars, including low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. The trauma bond can make it harder for victims to leave, as they may believe they cannot survive without their abuser or that the abuser truly loves them and will change. Understanding trauma bonding is crucial for supporting those who are stuck in unhealthy relationships, as it highlights the complex psychological dynamics at play and the need for compassionate intervention.

The Trauma of Abuse and Relationships

Living through domestic violence toxic relationships and coercive control can cause severe trauma that affects every aspect of a person’s life. Survivors often struggle with:

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Flashbacks, nightmares, and heightened anxiety are common, often triggered by reminders of the abuse.

• Low self-esteem and self-worth: Constant criticism and belittling can erode the survivor’s sense of self and leave them feeling powerless.

• Depression and anxiety: Victims may feel trapped, hopeless, or overwhelmed, even after they leave the abusive relationship.

• Difficulty in future relationships: Survivors of abuse may find it difficult to trust again or form healthy, supportive relationships.

The psychological wounds of coercive control and domestic violence are not always visible, but they are just as real and damaging as physical injuries. Trauma can make it harder to see a way forward, but with the right support, healing is possible.

How Trauma Affects Future Relationships

Domestic violence and coercive control don’t just affect the person in the relationship; they can have a ripple effect on future relationships. Survivors may struggle with:

• Trust issues: Having been betrayed by someone they loved and trusted, they may find it hard to believe in others.

• Fear of intimacy: Intimate relationships may trigger memories of past trauma, making closeness feel unsafe or overwhelming.

• Difficulty with boundaries: Having been manipulated or controlled, survivors may struggle to establish healthy boundaries with others.

Healing from trauma takes time, and it’s important to approach future relationships with care and patience, acknowledging the emotional scars and seeking professional help when needed.

Support for Survivors

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or coercive control, it’s essential to reach out for support. Help is available in many forms:

• Counselling and therapy: Trauma-informed therapists can help survivors process their experiences and rebuild their sense of self.

• Support groups: Connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can be incredibly healing.

• Domestic violence helplines and shelters: These resources offer practical support for leaving an abusive situation safely.

• Legal help: If coercive control or domestic violence is occurring, legal support can help survivors gain protection orders and take action against their abuser.

Moving Forward: Healing from Trauma

Healing from domestic violence and coercive control is a journey, and it starts with acknowledging the trauma and seeking help. Survivors need to know that they are not alone, and there is hope for a better future.

It’s essential to give yourself permission to heal at your own pace, set boundaries, and seek the right kind of support. Self-care and personal empowerment play key roles in this process, allowing survivors to reclaim their lives, rebuild their identities, and begin to trust in themselves and others once again.

Tips to Start the Healing Process

• Acknowledge the Trauma: Recognise the impact of the relationship and that it’s not your fault.

• Seek Professional Support: Speak with a therapist who specialises in trauma and abuse.

• Create Emotional Boundaries: Limit or cut contact with the abuser and establish self-protection.

• Build a Support System: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or groups.

• Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your body, mind, and soul.

• Educate Yourself About Toxic Relationships: Learn about the dynamics of abuse and trauma bonding.

• Set Small, Achievable Goals: Focus on small steps towards emotional and physical well-being.

• Learn to Trust Yourself Again: Reconnect with your intuition and prioritise your needs.

• Give Yourself Compassion: Be kind to yourself; healing is a gradual process.

• Consider Journaling: Write to process emotions, track progress, and gain clarity.

• Engage in Creative Therapies: Explore art, music, or movement therapies to express and release pent-up emotions, helping to process trauma in a safe and non-verbal way.

• Be Outdoors: Spend time in nature to ground yourself, reduce stress, and promote emotional healing.

• 1. 1800RESPECT (National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service)

     • Phone: 1800 737 732

     • Website: www.1800respect.org.au

     • Provides confidential counselling and support for individuals affected by domestic violence, sexual assault, and family violence. They offer 24/7 crisis support, as well as information and referrals to services.

  2. The Salvation Army – Domestic Violence Support

     • Phone: 13 72 58

     • Website: www.salvationarmy.org.au

     • Offers 24/7 crisis support and advocacy services for women and children experiencing domestic violence, including emergency accommodation and case management.

  3. Women’s Safety NSW

     • Phone: 02 9281 1764 (for general inquiries)

     • Website: www.womenssafetynsw.org.au

     • Provides support services and advocacy for women and children experiencing domestic violence. Includes information, referrals, and support programs to help navigate the justice and welfare systems.

  4. Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre

     • Phone: 1800 015 188

     • Website: www.safesteps.org.au

     • 24/7 support for individuals experiencing family violence. They provide a free confidential helpline, emergency accommodation, and crisis support services for women and children.

  5. Domestic Violence Crisis Service (DVCS) – ACT

     • Phone: 02 6280 0900 (24/7 Crisis Helpline)

     • Website: www.dvcs.org.au

     • Offers immediate crisis support, case management, and safe accommodation for women and children experiencing domestic violence.

  6. Kids Helpline

     • Phone: 1800 55 1800

     • Website: www.kidshelpline.com.au

     • A free, confidential 24/7 counselling service for children and young people aged 5-25.

       Create Distractions: Engage in hobbies, activities, or new interests that help redirect your mind from negative thought patterns.

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Written by LORENA FERNANDEZ COLLAZO, Registered Clinical Counsellor (ACA)

Link To Us – Counselling Services

If you need further assistance or personalised support, feel free to reach out. I’m here to help guide you through your healing journey.